How to make a perfect movie, according to Rotten Tomatoes

Not every film can be Citizen Kane. Deemed by many as a perfect film (i.e. Rotten Tomatoes), Hollywood has tried to emulate its critical success for decades, but as an industry that strives on generic formulas, some have come close while other have missed the mark.

Now, thanks to the trustworthy Tomatometer, we have a foolproof, scientific, and empirical way to do so. We now have a formula to make a guaranteed 100%, certified fresh movie. Another Citizen Kane.

By adding the Tomatometer percentages of two films*, we can create a synthesis, a byproduct of the two that will be a surefire classic.

Equation #1

Bangkok Dangerous (9%) + The Breakfast Club (91%) =

The Bangkok Club

Show your work: In Bangkok Dangerous, a contract killer goes to Bangkok on a month-long assignment to kill four people, only to fall in love with a local girl. In The Breakfast Club, 5 teenagers, each from different ranks in the high school hierarchy, find common ground and enlightenment while confined to detention.

The byproduct: After a job gone wrong (in Bangkok, of course), five criminals, from different social castes, are forced to confront their socio-economic differences while locked in prison. The Bangkok Club is like The Usual Suspects, but with more angst, drama, and wild 80’s/Nicolas Cage hair.

Equation #2

Se7en (85%) + White Chicks (15%) =

Seven White Chicks

Show your work: In Se7en, a veteran detective and a rookie cop hunt down a serial killer who uses the seven deadly sins as his inspiration. In White Chicks, two ex-FBI agents go undercover as white women to prevent and foil a kidnapping plot.

The byproduct: In order to prevent an impending kidnapping, seven blonde bombshell CIA agents must go undercover, each using one of the seven deadly sins as their modus operandi. From dressing up as cheap prostitutes to wearing oversized fat suits, this mission is more than they bargained for.

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